


Thot: Ragnarok, or, Dirk's Alive And The World Is Ending

by fishywishing



Category: Homestuck, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/F, M/M, Thor AU, bro is odin except i named him brodin, dave is thor, dirk is loki, grimdark rose is hel but gets a redemption arc, i hope nyall like this!!, i mean grandmaster haha, i was rewatching thor for the 100th time and wanted to write this so bad, john is jeff goldblum, roxy is val, this cant legally be read as stridercest or ill shoot u in the balls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 12:45:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishywishing/pseuds/fishywishing
Summary: Dave is the son of the king of Asgard, mourning his stupid brother, until he gets caught up in things he shouldn't.  Karkat's been fighting idiots for Grandmaster John for the last year, and he's not keen on stopping.  Roxy's drunk and ready to get paid for electrocuting a guy and shooting down 20 others.  Rose is ready for vengeance.  Kanaya is no where to be found.  Chaos ensues.  Shit gets gay.





	Thot: Ragnarok, or, Dirk's Alive And The World Is Ending

**Author's Note:**

> Hey thx for readin this! Leave comments n kudos if you like it please! This is gonna be a long one, boys.

A cage, in the middle of a cave, in the middle of a fiery planet that could really, really be a good qualifier for hell, maybe even capital H-Hell, was not a place Dave had ever particularly… Wanted to find himself on. It was hard to commiserate with the skeleton across from him, the bones chattering every time a new flame burst up through the core of what Dave would decide to call Hell Planet. How a planet made of fire could be so dark was beyond him, but he could barely see further than the bars of the rusty birdcage fit for a very large parrot- Or a normal sized skeleton and a medium-large young bird boy. Hardly young. (although he looks quite fresh) Or bird. He just had the wings. And the sort of inexplicable hunger for mice once and a while. 

That’s just how it be sometimes, Dave decides. That’s just how it be.

The skeleton creaks and it’s arm bone pops out of its socket.

“Shit! Fuck!” He rattles the loops upon loops of chains around him and yells for a few minutes unintelligibly. Finally, exhausted from yelling, Dave smacks his head onto the metal floor of the cage. Then smacks it again. One last ti-

The cage floors opens and out tumbles Dave, flailing with four limbs and a pair of wings still tangled in rusty-ass chains. His scream is about as calm as a scream of a dude falling towards certain death could be. Very, very high. His brother, were he alive, might compliment Dave on the “sheer twinkiness” of it. Stop dead twink brother. Dave had better things to worry about now, which was at the moment, almost smacking against the fiery floor of the cavern, the chains just barely keeping hold. Hurt like titties, but so would falling smack-dab into half melted lava. 

“Young Strider,” a voice echoes from above him. Or around him? Yeesh. “Young Strider, of Asgard! A knight of your father! What a delight it is to have you here in… My… Grasp…” The voice begins to laugh like a really early 2000’s video game villain. The kind of villain that was going to turn out to be your dad. Also the entire video game budget was spent on- Shit! Gotta pay attention to the very large, in Dave’s humble opinion, thick fire dude towering ten-odd feet above him. 

“Oh! Hey, uh, what’s up dude? You don’t mind helping me out here, hm? I seem to be a little tangled up.”

“Interrupt me again, Knight Strider of Asgard, and you will perish like a rat!”

“At least give me a heads-up on what we’re all doing here today, in this…” Dave looked around him, blood beginning to rush to his upside-down face. “Really, really nice place.”

The fiery dude went out of Dave’s view as he began to monologue, his army of lava monsters stalking all around. “No matter what, the end of the universe begins soon! You cannot stop a thing, little Knight, you are a bird in a tornado, a piece of corn in the corn shaving machine! Even taking my crown might not stop the end! Once it touches the Eternal Flame, this whole universe will begin to crumble! Time ticks on and you will cause the end of this galaxy, this universe, your whole world-”

Dave finished his involuntary turn and came back to face the fire man- Jack, that had to be his name, Jack sounded right and Dave had a reasonable enough memory that he could remember a little bit of school. Not anything useless, thank god. Like taxes, or a fear of god.

“I’m sorry to interrupt y’all in here, but hearing all this end of the world talk has me wanting to go right back on the Asgard and check and see if it’s still there. Also, your crown seems like it would be a pretty good way to stop the end of the world.” Dave holds out his hand and hears the telltale crashing from his sword banging into every rock or monster there is in the way between them. Celeb- Caledfw- Caledfwch- Almost, Dave, almost- Caledfwlch flies into his hand, the momentum releasing the chains around Dave. As he rockets back to his feet, dirty red armor reflecting the light of the fires all around him, red-gold wings fluttering out behind him, Dave readies his sword.

A pile of lava creatures leaps toward him, and Dave spins on his feet, kicking one from behind as his sword cuts three others in neat halves. A group of five larger ones all run at him, trapping him under their flames, but he cuts his sword through the mass, leaps out, and beheads them all in quick succession. 

He faces the fiery god, grinning, the fire weaving shapes on his shades. Jack lumbers toward him, inky black body in flames. He stabs his arms down toward Dave, and Dave just barely jumps out of the way, sword raised to block the hands. Jack leans down, hands on fire, to grab him. Dave leaps up, wings carrying him the rest of the way to Jack’s burning crown, and rips it off. Jack crumbles to pieces of coal and lava as Dave straps the skull-like crown to himself.

A huge dragon, made of black coal and dripping lava, screams for its brethren and tugs its own chain loose. Dave has limits. Reaching his godly sword to the sky, he waits for a beam of light to carry him out. 

Waits just a little longer.

This isn’t going to end well.

That plan’s scratched then. The dragon dives nose first at Dave, and he takes the opportunity to rush up the snout and onto its spiky back. It rears up, and with an awful screech, claws at the rocky ceiling, chunks of stone falling off. Just one more try- Dave hefts his sword into the air, then brings it down hard on the dragons back, feeling chiton, muscle, and finally spine shatter beneath him. It arches its back. Oozy, flaming blood spurts out onto him, and he runs up the near vertical back of it towards the rocky ceiling. Dave rips his sword from the dragon's spine and holds it toward the roof, the rocks shattering as the sword cuts them to pieces.

He makes it out, just barely. Struggling through the rocks, using his sword as a grappling hook of sorts, he gets to the surface of the planet. It's more rock that fire, but it's still hot as balls up here. Dave's dripping in sweat and blood as he raises his sword to the sky and yells, “Take me the fuck home!”

No answer.

The dragon bangs against the person-sized hole the sword had made, opening it wide for more lava monsters to come through. A group of giant fire rats flood up from below, hissing and squeaking for Dave's blood. The dragon makes it up too, squeezing it's mangled body through the hole and roaring.

Dave starts running.

All of the monsters begin to gain on him, no surprise, they're huge, and as they begin to surround him on all sides, he screams one last time, “Kanaya! Kanaya, where are you?”

The dragon pounces, blood dripping off of it on all sides, covering Dave. A beam stretches down from the heavens and envelops Dave and the dragon's head.

 

Someone-Who-Is-Not-Kanaya is standing at the gate. He’s got a few girls one each side, and is recounting his adventures that he has never had. He opens the gate after one girl asks him why the terrified voice of Dave is coming through it.

Dave makes it through the gate a split second before the dragon’s dead lava head does, and he slides awkwardly across the floor into the wall. The head follows suit, leaving the girls screaming and running.

“What the hell are you doing here? Please come back, wait- Ladies, please, it’s just a dead dragon head, calm down!” 

“You don’t mind,” Dave asks, leveling his sword against the new gatekeeper, “Telling me where the fuck Kanaya is? And maybe who you are too?”  
“I- Kanaya is gone. She was scheduled for a trial but ran off before she could be tried for treason by-”

Dave steps back, letting his sword drop to his side. “And you? Who are you?”

“Wh- I’m Equius, they gave me this job after Kanaya left.” Equius was rather tall and burly, Dave would probably have beat up if he had the time. “And where’s my father? Does he know what’s going on?”

“I- I don’t think so-”

Throwing his sword across the rainbow bridge, Dave stares down Equius one last time, then spreads his wings and rockets toward the city. 

“Wait! Wait a minute! Where are you- I’m supposed to announce you!”

 

As he slows down, Dave sees a statue, visible from just about anywhere, of his dead-ass, died in his arms, stupid twink brother. Dirk stands there, 50 feet tall, in molten gold, shining in the sunlight, dabbing. Dave has to restrain himself from either laughing or screaming. Touching down in a crowd, Dave sees a play on stage, looking nearly finished. One burly man, wearing elaborate red and gold, holds another man, dressed in pink and silver, weeping. They’re both blonde, although both looking about 40 years old, look a shit ton like-

Dave and Dirk. That’s exactly who they fucking look like. Just older, hairier, and way grosser. Also Dave has a beard. And Dirk has, like, weirdly clear skin. 

Dirk breathes heavily, his eyes filling up with tears, blood dotting his chin. “I’m- I’m so sorry about everything.”

Dave pulls him closer, smiling gently. “It’s okay,” he whispers.

“And- And I’m sorry about that time I put a puppet under your pillow.”

“It’s okay. It was so, so funny.” Dave weeps.

“And I’m so sorry… About the time you found me on Earth making out with a hot dude in a sewer.”

Real Dave snickers. Fake Dave wipes snot away from his bearded face, “It was certainly a sight.”

“Goo-Goodbye, brother. I hope to see you again.” Dirk chokes, blood and tears dripping profusely all over both boy’s faces and arms.

The sight is so funny Dave completely forgets the crowd around him, and as the singers climax to the end, Fake Dave collapses into raw, manly tears. Fake Dirk convulses, fake blood spurting out of his fakeass mouth.

Dave has no words. Apparently, his father does. Dave’s father stands up from a couch surrounded by well-dressed (by that, Dave means almost not dressed at all) men. He claps and the actors take a bow. “That was beautiful, beautiful! Heartwrenching. My dearest sons, one watching the death of the other. A sight we weep over daily, my people, a sight we-”

Stepping up into his father’s line of sight, Dave gives him a sarcastic little wave. 

“Oh. Shit.”

“Hey, father, how are things? I love the new statue. Huge fan. It’s really realistic, I bet that shit was expensive!”

Brodin looks around nervously, feet really fast tapping against the floor, unoccupied hand fiddling with his old man bathrobes. Not a fatherly habit. Definitely a Dirk Habit. Trademarked.

“Oh, ahh, look! My son, Dave has returned!”

Dave smiles, tossing his sword out in front of him, and it loops back, like a really sharp boomerang. Brodin stutters out, “Ah- Well, ahh, Well welcome back, Dave! Really great to see you-”

Dave tosses his sword out again, off of the terrace. It starts to loop back again, slower. He grabs him and holds him from behind. “You know nothing will stop my sword from returning to me. Not even your face?”

Brodin struggles against him, but Dave holds tight to his ugly black and white robes. “You’re crazy! You-You’ll die for this, holy fuck!”

“Well then, I’ll see you on the other side, brother.” Dave whispers into his ear. The sword, tip-first, approaches the pair, and his “father” hesitates. 

“Alright, I give up!”

Jumping out of the way, he drops his glamour, and Dave’s older brother rolls onto the terrace floor, pink and silver outfit returned, along with his trademark shades. The crowd gasps.

“Where is father?” Dave yells, sword leveled at Dirk. 

“You- You had what you wanted, you had everything you asked for,” Dirk said quickly, backing up against the couch previously littered in guys. He flopped down, and Dave pointed his sword at him, tip against his neck, and put just enough pressure to draw a few drops of blood.

Dirk shoved himself back as far as he could go, but Dave was relentless.“Ow, ow, ow, okay! I know where he is!”


End file.
